I write the words that plague my dreams. And dream up words that haunt my days. I’m figuring out my meaning in life and I can’t promise you the words I write will be anything other than they are: partly fiction and partly everything I’ve ever wanted to say. Rising Sophomore at BU I write to keep me sane.
"After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music."
Clouded judgement I succumbed
To soft caresses and desperate clinging
I accepted red solos too strong for a sober me
But this wasn’t a sober being
And I felt the way your eyes kept mine
The moment you leaned in you had me.
I fought through murky thoughts
Incapacitated by acceptable gasoline
I drank what you offered because I needed the courage to touch you just the same -
To interlock our fingers
And comb my hands through your hair.
You needed me so dulled
I might forget
Every desperate word you spoke
But you haven’t said another since
Yet every secret you recited rings clear with each passing day
I’m dwelling now
At this lonely hour
Shame smeared against fingers
Pressed against this warm body
She’s not you.
Staring at this ceiling
As low snores invade my head space
I’d leave but this is my bed
And this warm body curved around me is my only anchor in this turbulent sea of regret.
I couldn’t explain to you why five am always ends in tears
Or how the sinking moon tears down all these walls, leaving me breathless.
I don’t know what that empty feeling is that lingers in the pit of my chest
Was I always this hollow?
I’m not even sure what I’m looking for,
I’m so expectant like anything can happen
When I don’t even deserve it.
I don’t need
I don’t need you
I never needed you
And you were never there
So what gives you the right to care?
And it’s been two years but I’m still seething that you got to see me so unguarded
You don’t get to be a part of these memories but you made yourself a part
And I can’t extract you
And I can’t forget.
I left writing for a bit and remembered it kept me sane back when I wasn’t fabricating tales and I actually had a heart
What is missing you
When I’m so use to the dull ache in my chest I think it’s ceased
When you seep back in my conscience and I need more than a dream
When the deepest center of me craves your touch in the worst ways
When telling myself I don’t need you leaves me in so much pain
Were you ever more than my imagination?
Or a piece of me I projected into being?
What’s the point
When the words I need to say cling at the threshold of change
Never making themselves known
As they continue their dance
Weaving seamlessly back to the confines of my mind
Making me rethink the thoughts
And doubt three years of progress;
My self discovery.
The fire doesn’t burn within me anymore
The want has dulled to ache in sync with the beat of my heart
I do not long like I use to
But I am not content
Sadness still ebbs at the edge of my being
And alone is still all I know.
The silence that transcends oceans
Days have amassed
Slight shadows slither against walls
Hiding figure I bested you with words
Why must you hide in bird songs?
The birds will sing a greeting
To crisp air and rising suns
The first disturbance of my dark oasis
Parting with it all seems a crime.