I write the words that plague my dreams. And dream up words that haunt my days. I’m figuring out my meaning in life and I can’t promise you the words I write will be anything other than they are: partly fiction and partly everything I’ve ever wanted to say. Rising Sophomore at BU I write to keep me sane.
"After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music."
Tensions only cool in fics. Legit like gahh also had a girlfriend since when?!
Fuck you and your words
And your touch. Now you’re a thought
Inside that lingers
I want this so much but I don’t know if it’ll come and holding back these tears is getting so hard.
I’m pretending to be fine
With my short comings
To accept these faults and move past them
Trying to put a smile on my face
When I’ve let myself down
How I’ve let myself down
I wonder if I could have changed it at all
I wonder if I can change.
I am saddened by my lack of news
But first I was overcome with joy by theirs
I’m not bitter
It’s a deep ache in my chest that thrums through my excitement and peels my layers from the inside out
I’m happy dammit
And this smile on my face will not wither
I am proud
But I am ashamed of my inability to achieve…
I’ll never let them know though.
But I can’t get the way your hand felt in mine out of my head
And my mind won’t let me forget the things you said
Or how our breath mingled with such proximity
I’d rather not dwell on how I couldn’t move…
I don’t want to do this again
Caring to care because there’s nothing better there
I just want to hear your brave words without liquid courage.
Clouded judgement I succumbed
To soft caresses and desperate clinging
I accepted red solos too strong for a sober me
But this wasn’t a sober being
And I felt the way your eyes kept mine
The moment you leaned in you had me.
I fought through murky thoughts
Incapacitated by acceptable gasoline
I drank what you offered because I needed the courage to touch you just the same -
To interlock our fingers
And comb my hands through your hair.
You needed me so dulled
I might forget
Every desperate word you spoke
But you haven’t said another since
Yet every secret you recited rings clear with each passing day
I’m dwelling now
At this lonely hour
Shame smeared against fingers
Pressed against this warm body
She’s not you.
Staring at this ceiling
As low snores invade my head space
I’d leave but this is my bed
And this warm body curved around me is my only anchor in this turbulent sea of regret.
I couldn’t explain to you why five am always ends in tears
Or how the sinking moon tears down all these walls, leaving me breathless.
I don’t know what that empty feeling is that lingers in the pit of my chest
Was I always this hollow?
I’m not even sure what I’m looking for,
I’m so expectant like anything can happen
When I don’t even deserve it.
I don’t need
I don’t need you
I never needed you
And you were never there
So what gives you the right to care?
And it’s been two years but I’m still seething that you got to see me so unguarded
You don’t get to be a part of these memories but you made yourself a part
And I can’t extract you
And I can’t forget.